It is as though they wanted to seal my mouth shut with thick bands of duct tape. I have a strict gag order from my lawyers. Whatever I say could be twisted like long black cords of electrical wire into grotesque shapes that could then stand for me, they would be me in the minds of the federal prosecutors, and those government agents could hang bulbs on it, plug it in, and light up my effigy for all the world to see: criminal, terrible person, nemesis of society.
My lawyers and I were seated in another one of those mahogany-stained conference rooms, with framed images of the scales of justice alongside halcyon north Florida landscapes. We exchanged stories about what we had done over the summer, like schoolchildren, and then we were back at work.
The lawyers cautioned me not give away what we talk about. It doesn't matter that I have nothing to hide. They were not happy about the article that was just published in the Gainesville Sun.
"It made the federal government look bad," they told me.
"How?" I asked. "That wasn't my impression when I read the newspaper piece."
"You said the government doesn't know anything about billing and coding."
"It's true, isn't it? Whatever they know has to come from specialists they hire to analyze data and report back to them."
"It doesn't matter if it's true or not. The government doesn't like negative publicity."
"Neither do I," I countered, and my tone was acerbic. "The raid and forfeitures didn't boost my public ratings."
"We understand how you feel," they said. "And we realize that your blog is a way of dealing with distress," they said. "But can't you wait to change the world until after your case comes to a conclusion?"
"That could be five more years," I said.
"These cases don't usually go on that long."
"It's already been two," I reminded them.
"But things are going to move forward now," they insisted.
"How do you know?" I asked.
"There was a backlog for the prosecutors, they had other cases..."
"No problem! They did their damage, now they can sit on it...while I resuscitate my life--"
"Wait," they interrupted with an equanimity only lawyers are able to sustain in the middle of a crisis. (Physicians are too busy putting in central lines, injecting heart-rousing medicines, rushing to plaster electrodes over the chest wall to jolt a person back to the onerous world of the living. We can't pretend to be calm. We aren't calm, we're fighting against forces that drag people down into hell.)
I must assume my lawyers are doing the same thing, fighting against hellish forces--in their suits and ties, no Betadine, no blood stains. Do they have the tools to save lives like mine? Do they know what they're doing?
"Trust us," they said. "We've been at this a long time. We know how to proceed."
"Okay," I agreed. "What do you want from me?"
"Try to keep a low profile," they said. "At least where the federal government is concerned."
"You mean I shouldn't say anything about what I think they're doing?"
"More like...don't imply that they don't know what they're doing."
"What are they doing?"
"They're doing their jobs. You don't realize what kind of pressure they're under. They have terrific demands from above. They have to meet stringent standards. There is lots of politics in the Department of Justice, and it trickles down. Their jobs aren't easy."
They were telling me to consider the FBI and prosecutors as suffering human beings. Wow, I thought. That's like feeling sorry for an alligator.
Nevertheless, I realized how much easier it can be to battle imagined monsters than to look upon those who seem to be harming us as real people. It's not so black and white. I doubt if the federal agents want to harm me. They just need someone.
"Are you asking me to have compassion for them?"
"Just give us a chance. We see the big picture. We know what we're doing. Things are going to be all right."
"You're sure?"
"We're sure."
My lawyers and I were seated in another one of those mahogany-stained conference rooms, with framed images of the scales of justice alongside halcyon north Florida landscapes. We exchanged stories about what we had done over the summer, like schoolchildren, and then we were back at work.
The lawyers cautioned me not give away what we talk about. It doesn't matter that I have nothing to hide. They were not happy about the article that was just published in the Gainesville Sun.
"It made the federal government look bad," they told me.
"How?" I asked. "That wasn't my impression when I read the newspaper piece."
"You said the government doesn't know anything about billing and coding."
"It's true, isn't it? Whatever they know has to come from specialists they hire to analyze data and report back to them."
"It doesn't matter if it's true or not. The government doesn't like negative publicity."
"Neither do I," I countered, and my tone was acerbic. "The raid and forfeitures didn't boost my public ratings."
"We understand how you feel," they said. "And we realize that your blog is a way of dealing with distress," they said. "But can't you wait to change the world until after your case comes to a conclusion?"
"That could be five more years," I said.
"These cases don't usually go on that long."
"It's already been two," I reminded them.
"But things are going to move forward now," they insisted.
"How do you know?" I asked.
"There was a backlog for the prosecutors, they had other cases..."
"No problem! They did their damage, now they can sit on it...while I resuscitate my life--"
"Wait," they interrupted with an equanimity only lawyers are able to sustain in the middle of a crisis. (Physicians are too busy putting in central lines, injecting heart-rousing medicines, rushing to plaster electrodes over the chest wall to jolt a person back to the onerous world of the living. We can't pretend to be calm. We aren't calm, we're fighting against forces that drag people down into hell.)
I must assume my lawyers are doing the same thing, fighting against hellish forces--in their suits and ties, no Betadine, no blood stains. Do they have the tools to save lives like mine? Do they know what they're doing?
"Trust us," they said. "We've been at this a long time. We know how to proceed."
"Okay," I agreed. "What do you want from me?"
"Try to keep a low profile," they said. "At least where the federal government is concerned."
"You mean I shouldn't say anything about what I think they're doing?"
"More like...don't imply that they don't know what they're doing."
"What are they doing?"
"They're doing their jobs. You don't realize what kind of pressure they're under. They have terrific demands from above. They have to meet stringent standards. There is lots of politics in the Department of Justice, and it trickles down. Their jobs aren't easy."
They were telling me to consider the FBI and prosecutors as suffering human beings. Wow, I thought. That's like feeling sorry for an alligator.
Nevertheless, I realized how much easier it can be to battle imagined monsters than to look upon those who seem to be harming us as real people. It's not so black and white. I doubt if the federal agents want to harm me. They just need someone.
"Are you asking me to have compassion for them?"
"Just give us a chance. We see the big picture. We know what we're doing. Things are going to be all right."
"You're sure?"
"We're sure."