Saturday, August 18, 2012

The FBI Must Be Giving Me an Award

     I think I've finally figured out what's going on.
     The FBI is trying something new.  Maybe the federal prosecutor is, too.
     The FBI has such a bad reputation for negativity--maybe now the agency must be trying to do something different.  Those poor agents are constantly pointing the finger at people and saying how bad they are.  They must realize it's time to do things differently--at least now and then.
     Doctors sometimes get to tell patients, "You're completely healthy--get back to work!" or "There's nothing wrong with you--get out of here!"  The FBI ought to be able to do this too.  This must be the moment.
     First...they raid my office and send agents to all corners of my life.  Why?  So they can prove that some people are not criminals!  It's just too depressing to do their jobs otherwise.  I wouldn't want to be handcuffing people all day.
     When is the last time the FBI gave an award to a regular old hardworking citizen--someone who minds his own business, day after day?  When is the last time the FBI gave a prize to anyone?  If they don't do something about this soon the organization is going to lose all credibility--and maybe even its funding.  I don't want my federal tax money to keep going to a bunch of sourpusses every year.   We all know what it's like to be around someone who's critical all the time, someone who is never happy.  It's completely unbalanced.  You can't believe anything they say, after a while.
     Have you ever seen an FBI agent smile?  I haven't.  It's time to change that, and I think the agency must have come to the same conclusion.
     Therefore, I'm looking forward to the day I receive an FBI award for having undergone a complete investigation--two years' worth, so far--and getting a clean bill of health--I mean, a clean bill of innocence.
     All those agents should be able to smile, for once, when they say, "We investigated this person and found her to be completely honorable."  When has that ever happened?   Well,  I guess it's going to happen soon.
     When I am told the date, I'll let you know.  It should be sort of special, as first times tend to be--and I'd like you all to be witnesses.
     Meanwhile, I know I'll sleep better now that I have solved this mystery.  And we should all be feeling more secure, knowing the FBI isn't a bunch of Eeyores, who can't see a good thing when it's staring them in the face.  But I don't want to brag.  That would be unseemly.  I'll just accept the award with a brief note of thanks, and back to my life.  

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