Saturday, December 22, 2012

Things People Say to Doctors

     1.   I lost my prescription for Ritalin--can you just write another one?
     2.   Could you wait a minute, Doc, while I finish my text message?
     3.   My insurance doesn't cover the last three prescriptions you wrote.
     4.   You need prior authorization for an MRI on your patient with an abnormal x-ray.
     5.   We refuse to authorize the MRI.
     6.   I don't know why I'm gaining weight.  I never eat.
     7.   My cocaine test can't be positive.  Maybe someone put it in my drink.
     8.   I don't use weed--the test must be positive from breathing other people's smoke.
     9.   I can't have an STD.  I haven't had sex in three years.
    10.  I don't know what medicines I'm taking--don't you have them written in my chart?
    11.  Dr. C., what are you going to do about my anger problem?
    12.  It's your fault, for not giving me a prescription, that I have to buy my drugs on the street.
    13.  I don't need you.  I can get order what I need from India.
    14.  I read on the internet that gabbapoocha juice will improve my sex life.
    15.  I don't like taking medicine.  Can you give me something that's not medicine?
    16.  I believe in natural cures.
    17.  I can't exercise.  I don't like the discomfort.
    18.  I can't diet, because I get low blood sugar.
    19.  My last doctor was a quack.
    20.  I woke up and couldn't move my arms or legs.  Can you tell me why?
    21.  I know I can't diet.  So, can you get me a gastric bypass?
    22.  My sister gets $500 a month from Social Security, so I want a letter from you saying I'm disabled too.
    23.  Can you get gonorrhea from schooching?
    24.  If I have herpes I'm gonna kill myself.  Could you do a herpes test?
    25.  He broke my arm, but I'm not ready to leave him.
    26.  I'm reporting you to the medical board for doing a drug screen on me.
    27.  The police stole my pain pills.
    28.  There are bugs crawling all over me.
    29.  I brought a stool sample in this mayonnaise jar.  Look--see the worms?
    30.  There's definitely a rash there.  It's not my fault if you can't see it.
    31.  I haven't slept for ten days.
    32.  I went to the ER for a second opinion.
    33.  Could you give me a work excuse for the past two weeks?
    34.  Could you write a letter saying I failed this semester because of anxiety?
    35.  My smoking isn't a health problem, cuz I grow my own tobacco.
    36.  I want you to do a blood test for every kind of cancer.
    37.  Can't you give me the shot without a needle?
    38.  Are you a real doctor?
    39.  Are you gonna put that thing in my cootersnapper?
    40.  I hate doctors.  Just letting you know.

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